I was sure of you

I guess the only real times someone becomes poetic is when they're falling in love or they're heartbroken and for some reason, this feeling is extremely overwhelming at night.

I don't deny it, I still love him and frankly, I don't know how to stop. How does one stop loving a person you were so set on living the rest of your life with? And yes, maybe it was stupid of me to think so far ahead but I couldn't see a future without him; he was my dream.

People go around saying that you should travel the world first, not get attached so fast and what not but I brushed all of that aside because I knew for a fact that I wanted to do all of that with him by my side. I loved him, more than anything in the world, he was my everything.  (8/13/15)

I am back and I don't know how to function very well. Reading @poemporns on Twitter is breaking me and honestly I wasn't planning to write today but I saw this:

You always complained about how I couldn't decide on what to eat, or whether or not I should buy a top, etc. But I was sure of you, no doubts whatsoever, and reading that was like a stake through my heart. (14/8/15)

2AM thoughts (23/7/15)

It’s 2AM right now and I’m thinking about you. I’m thinking about how much I don’t want to let go of you, how much I don’t want to let these memories fade away. I don’t want to forget you, to forget us, to forget the love we had.

I don’t want to forget the way you’d kiss both my cheeks before you kiss my lips, the way you’d hug me on the way down the escalator, the way you nibble on my cheeks, the way you’d never let me get out of the car and you’d always have to open the door for me. I don’t want to forget our goodnight routine, ‘goodnight, sleep tight don’t let the bed bugs bite, sweet dreams, sleep well, I’ll talk to you tomorrow, I miss you and I love you.’ I don’t want to forget the nicknames we had for each other, bb, sayangku, cintaku, sugar plum, cheeseball, my love, the way we had our first kiss behind the old block, the way I felt when you asked me to be your girlfriend and when you told me that it was the single most nerve-wrecking moment in your life. I don’t want to forget how it felt when I saw you again when you came home after so long. I never ever want to forget how it feels to love you, and to be loved in return.

I’ll miss everything about you, the good and the bad. Your love handles that you hate, but I love, your large hards, your hairy … everywhere (even ears), your pimply face because you never want to wash it, your thick caterpillar eyebrows, your beautiful eyes, and even your stubble that I really want to pluck out. I’ll miss it all.

You made love so easy for me, Azee, I’ll never forget that, the 8 months we spent apart from each other was worth every second and even if we don’t end up together in the future, I hope you know that a small part of me will always love you no matter what, because you will forever remain my first love.

People say this is puppy love but we know otherwise. This was pure, pure love, the truest of its kind. The kind that fills the cracks in your soul and makes you feel whole again; the kind when taken away, takes a huge a chunk of you as well. But this love we had was worth being vulnerable, worth all the pain and suffering, it was worth going through anything. And because I love you, Azee, I have to do what hurts me the most; let you go.

Let's go to: (7/1/15)

1) The zoo (I’ve been dying to see the pandas)

2) Petrosains

3) The science center

4) My house so I can kick your butt at FIFA

NYE (7/1/15)

Has it already been a week since we spent New Year’s Eve together? A week since we had calamari, tacos and bubble tea as our last meal? A week since you came to pick me and I got to call shotgun the whole time? A week since we had our New Year’s kiss? And especially a week since we had an unintended group makeout session? (HEH HEH HEH)

I miss you terribly.

To the boy I love the most: (6/1/15)

I can’t wait for these one and a half years to pass so I’ll be in Sydney with you. We’ll attend the same university, you’ll be my senior and I’ll reluctantly call you senpai. Weekends will be spent together: be it at cafes, sightseeing (ahem THE ZOO ahem) or even getting piss drunk at bars; we’ll just tumble into bed and fall asleep in each other’s embrace.

Sure, universities in the UK will probably offer me more, I’ll even be able to travel around Europe during the holidays; but I can’t enjoy any of that without you, I can’t possibly be happy when I’m so far away from you. I want you to know you mean the world to me, and even at my darkest hour, you stood by me, never giving up on us. I hope that one day I’ll be able to do that for you.

In turn, let’s travel Australia, take it city by city and maybe even visit New Zealand together hand in hand. (BAAAAA) Everyday is an adventure when I’m with you.

You have given me so much happiness these few months and I could not be luckier. Good luck for your exams, and even if you don’t believe in your abilities, I do. I believe in you and I’m very certain that’ll you do great things in this life. I hope I can be your pillar of strength at times like this and I hope you know I support everything you do.

I love you, Azrhy, and I love you more each day. I’m sorry to say you’re kinda stuck with me .. forever.

Luck (12/10/14)

I don’t know how much luckier I can get. I love him so much and it’s crazy how he loves me too. He adores me despite how incredibly psychotically bitchy I can be (am), how my requests are over the roof at times, how I can so selfish and so much more.

My dear cheeseball, sayangku, I can’t think of something I love more than you. I hope that in a few years time, when we’re happily married (and thoroughly satisfied, hehe), I’ll see this and realise how perfect we are for each other. I love you.

Gentle reminder (27/9/14)

This is a gentle reminder for myself for when times get tough.

- he walked from his house to yours just to see you at 3AM in the morning
- he cycled from his house in the scorching heat just to spend time with you
- he came over to your house at night with fruits and made you soup when you were sick
- he wrote poems for you
- he brought you to play mini putt
- he let you bring him to purikura, despite how embarrassing it was
- he brought you to the aquarium, like how much you wanted him to
- he calls you beautiful all the time, even when you don’t feel like it
- he literally caters to your every whim and desire

So whatever it is you’re feeling now, future self, he loves you. I’m pretty sure he does.

Wedding Dinners (8/8/14)

If marrying you meant not having the wedding dinner I've always dreamt of, I would.
If marrying you meant leaving my country for an entirely new one, I would.
If marrying you meant giving up on all the beliefs I have been brought up with, I would.

I sound foolish at the age of 17, fresh out of high school, talking about marry my first love; but y'know what? It really feels like 'forever' now. You're like the Chuck Bass to my Blair Waldorf and if that's what it takes to wake up every morning next to you, I'd do it, and I hope you know I'd do it in a heartbeat.

I love you.

Tonight (6/8/14)

Tonight I looked at you from behind your car seat, your side view residing comfortably in my line of sight as the night light shone. Your hand grasping mine, occasionally squeezing it from time to time, spelling 'I ♥ Us' on the back of my hand; I wish it could stay like that forever.

I stared at you for most part of the car ride and for some reason I got teary-eyed; knowing that moments like this don't last even though I wish they could, realising how much I love you, how I don't know how I am going to survive school without you and most importantly the 3 months when you're 6616 kilometres away from me.

Here I am tonight, hoping that one day you'll see this and know how much I love you, how much I appreciate your hugs and kisses, your little nibbles on my cheeks and your being here every single day, be it virtually or in person. I love you, I love you, I love you, what more can I say?