These pictures said what I couldn't articulate myself.
Sunday, October 25, 2015
25/10.
Remember when we were in The Curve during one of the exeats I was back? Remember getting that mushroom sandwich upstairs? We were so lovey dovey and the staff cut our sandwich up to look like a heart. Even strangers could see that we were in love.
Sometimes I ask myself, why did you have to be so cruel to me? All those awful words and things you did, they hurt so much. And I see you updating your snapchat happily, as if this break up never phased you at all. You're already moving on so quickly and leaving me behind, and oh god, does it hurt so much.
When will this pain stop? Why do people have to move in different directions? Or actually, why is that even though we're heading towards the same direction, I still have to get thrown away?
When will this pain stop? Why do people have to move in different directions? Or actually, why is that even though we're heading towards the same direction, I still have to get thrown away?
There are so many things I don't understand. I'll be in Sydney next September for a week or so and I thought, 'if only we were still together'. We could've done all the things we wanted to do, like brunch on Sundays, fish and chips at the beach, etc. And then I thought about timelines, you'd leave for uni late February and be back in June/July, I'd be in Sydney in September and you'd be back by November. Then we'd both leave for Australia in February the following year.
We could've done it.
We could've done it.
Thursday, October 22, 2015
22/10.
Sometimes I wonder what life would be like once I've gotten over you and moved on. I wonder if I’d be able to look back and not feel the pain.
Rachel didn't want to let go of V because she thought she’d never find someone who would like her sans makeup. I think I’m different I suppose, I know I’d be able to find someone out there. I guess I just find it hard to let go because I don’t want to forget.
I’m afraid of losing touch with the feelings I have and I’m afraid that the memories we made together will slowly fade away. I’m scared I’ll forget your little quirks and the small details and things that made up our relationship. Maybe that’s why I held your face for so long that night, I was trying to remember every little detail of it.
My friends think it’s best I delete all the photos of us, and of you, to quicken up the moving on process. I can’t bring myself to. If I delete it, I’ll lose them forever and it’ll be as if we never existed. And I don’t want that. I don’t want to pretend like we never happened. I don’t want to have to act like you didn't mean anything to me, when in fact, you meant you everything to me.
Sometimes I wonder if you think about me, if you think about the cruel things you did and the things you said to me. If you ever felt regret for all of that. And I wonder if you ever miss me. If you ever ached to speak to me.
I woke up this morning and in the span of one hour of being awake and having gone for lunch, a few things had woken up two distant memories of us. Remember that Sunday morning where we were eating outside? The night before we were joking about wearing our Sri KDU PE shirts but when we came out, we were wearing the exact same one. I also remember that one time you were in the dining hall waiting for me, you took both asian and western food for me because I told you I couldn’t choose. I remember what they were, chinese fried rice and hash browns.
I also remember watching Frozen together in the auditorium at the start of our relationship. It was really cold and we held hands throughout. I was so nervous next to you, but happy. Very, very happy.
Rachel didn't want to let go of V because she thought she’d never find someone who would like her sans makeup. I think I’m different I suppose, I know I’d be able to find someone out there. I guess I just find it hard to let go because I don’t want to forget.
I’m afraid of losing touch with the feelings I have and I’m afraid that the memories we made together will slowly fade away. I’m scared I’ll forget your little quirks and the small details and things that made up our relationship. Maybe that’s why I held your face for so long that night, I was trying to remember every little detail of it.
My friends think it’s best I delete all the photos of us, and of you, to quicken up the moving on process. I can’t bring myself to. If I delete it, I’ll lose them forever and it’ll be as if we never existed. And I don’t want that. I don’t want to pretend like we never happened. I don’t want to have to act like you didn't mean anything to me, when in fact, you meant you everything to me.
Sometimes I wonder if you think about me, if you think about the cruel things you did and the things you said to me. If you ever felt regret for all of that. And I wonder if you ever miss me. If you ever ached to speak to me.
I woke up this morning and in the span of one hour of being awake and having gone for lunch, a few things had woken up two distant memories of us. Remember that Sunday morning where we were eating outside? The night before we were joking about wearing our Sri KDU PE shirts but when we came out, we were wearing the exact same one. I also remember that one time you were in the dining hall waiting for me, you took both asian and western food for me because I told you I couldn’t choose. I remember what they were, chinese fried rice and hash browns.
I also remember watching Frozen together in the auditorium at the start of our relationship. It was really cold and we held hands throughout. I was so nervous next to you, but happy. Very, very happy.
Wednesday, October 21, 2015
Disappointment.
You disappoint me. All you really seem to care about is your friends, some of which who don't seem to care much about you at all. But there you go compromising your own beliefs and own set of principles just to keep them interested in your company. It's as if you're doing things just to please your friends and to be very honest, you've reached a new low.
Why do you leave the ones who care about you for the ones who don't? It's not my fault you were distant from your friends when we were together. But it's so disappointing you had to compromise me for the sake of them. I thought you were better than that.
You never seemed to care about me anymore and my problems never seemed to matter. You ignored my messages when you're upset and you never gave a second thought as to how doing so might hurt my feelings. You only ever seemed to care when you needed something from me.
You're no longer the same person I fell in love with. The same Azrhy I loved wouldn't have been so selfish and so in need of other's approval.
You never seemed to care about me anymore and my problems never seemed to matter. You ignored my messages when you're upset and you never gave a second thought as to how doing so might hurt my feelings. You only ever seemed to care when you needed something from me.
Frankly, I don't know if I'll ever forgive you for doing that.
Tuesday, October 20, 2015
We were so in love.
I miss you, it's 3.12AM on an early Wednesday morning and I miss you.
I see you come online but you don't talk to me anymore. You say you still want to know what goes on in my life, you say you still want me to be apart of yours but you don't even try to do any of that.
You say so many things but you don't do them.
I remember how you said one of the things that made me special was that I was quirky. I hope you don't forget my insane obsession with bubble tea and my need to add cheese to my korean ramen. I hope when you see these things, it'll remind you of me.
I keep writing and writing and writing. I can't seem to stop, everytime I think I have new content. But I suppose it will when I eventually stop crying over you.
A part of me doesn't want to, a part of me doesn't want to say goodbye. A part of me still wishes you'd come back, and actually mean what you said the last time. But what are the odds?
I guess all that really matters is that at some point in time, we were both very in love. We were each other's world.
I know I need to move on. I'll try, I swear.
I looked through all the old screenshots of the snapchats you send to me, and also the screenshots of our old conversations. We really, really did love each other didn't we?
I see you come online but you don't talk to me anymore. You say you still want to know what goes on in my life, you say you still want me to be apart of yours but you don't even try to do any of that.
You say so many things but you don't do them.
I remember how you said one of the things that made me special was that I was quirky. I hope you don't forget my insane obsession with bubble tea and my need to add cheese to my korean ramen. I hope when you see these things, it'll remind you of me.
I keep writing and writing and writing. I can't seem to stop, everytime I think I have new content. But I suppose it will when I eventually stop crying over you.
A part of me doesn't want to, a part of me doesn't want to say goodbye. A part of me still wishes you'd come back, and actually mean what you said the last time. But what are the odds?
I guess all that really matters is that at some point in time, we were both very in love. We were each other's world.
I know I need to move on. I'll try, I swear.
So many maybes.
Maybe you left because you knew you weren't good for me anymore. Maybe you left because you decided that I deserved better than you. Maybe you left because you just didn't want to hurt me anymore.
Maybe my friends were right to ask me, 'How many more times do you want to get hurt until you've had enough?'. Sometimes I wished you'd cared enough to realise that what you were doing was hurting me.
Maybe they were right in saying that I deserved better. It's just unfortunate I didn't matter as much to you as I used to. I know I deserve someone who'll love me wholly, be there for me when times are rough, who won't second guess their feelings for me and definitely someone who wouldn't want to hurt me. I know all of this, but I wish that person was you.
But you couldn't be that, right? Because it was as if the bad outweighed the good sometimes. It was as if you couldn't care less about me.
I guess I just loved you more.
Maybe my friends were right to ask me, 'How many more times do you want to get hurt until you've had enough?'. Sometimes I wished you'd cared enough to realise that what you were doing was hurting me.
Maybe they were right in saying that I deserved better. It's just unfortunate I didn't matter as much to you as I used to. I know I deserve someone who'll love me wholly, be there for me when times are rough, who won't second guess their feelings for me and definitely someone who wouldn't want to hurt me. I know all of this, but I wish that person was you.
But you couldn't be that, right? Because it was as if the bad outweighed the good sometimes. It was as if you couldn't care less about me.
I guess I just loved you more.
Monday, October 19, 2015
Dreams.
Today I dreamt about you. It didn't occur to me in my dream that we weren't together anymore. My friends and I were lining up in McDonalds and I hugged you for so long when you arrived.
It felt so real, it was as if you were right there with me, hugging me back. I guess that was just a small flash of happiness for me, or just a painful reminder of what used to be. Either way, thinking about you hasn't stopped hurting yet. I don't know when it will. I don't know when I'll stop caring about you.
It scares me to know that I might. That maybe one day you'll just be a thing of the past. Sometimes I wonder why life has to be so cruel, it took away one of the most important things to me.
It felt so real, it was as if you were right there with me, hugging me back. I guess that was just a small flash of happiness for me, or just a painful reminder of what used to be. Either way, thinking about you hasn't stopped hurting yet. I don't know when it will. I don't know when I'll stop caring about you.
It scares me to know that I might. That maybe one day you'll just be a thing of the past. Sometimes I wonder why life has to be so cruel, it took away one of the most important things to me.
An open letter to my first love:
You left again. And it hurts, nothing has hurt as much as you leaving me. I keep crying like there's no tomorrow and I constantly gasp for air as if I'm drowning. I feel as though I've just died on the inside, and now I'm just an empty shell.
If there's nothing wrong with me, why won't you stay? It hurts so much to know that I'm not good enough for you to stay, for you to change. And you've changed so much, into someone I can barely even recognise. You said you didn't want to be like your brothers but here you are following in their footsteps.
I wish I said it was okay when you talked to me that morning, but I couldn't. I wish I said it was okay so I would still have you right now. But I don't. I don't know how to be someone you'd want in your life, someone you would actually fight for, someone you would be scared to lose. Because you were that to me. To others you were not much but to me you were everything.
You asked me again, why I'm trying so hard. It's because I didn't want to lose you again. And throughout the whole 3 weeks or so that we were dating, I wish I could've held your hand like I used to, I really wished I could've told you I loved you like I used to. Because I do, I don't how to stop loving someone but I really thought I could. The two months that we were apart, I thought I was getting better, slowly letting you go. But you came back and that was a ray of hope to me and I thought, this time I'll do it right. This time we'll make it. But we didn't, we couldn't.
You said you had feelings for me, why isn't that enough? I gave you a second chance but you didn't even try towards the end. I gave you the pieces of my heart that you've broken before and I trusted you to handle it more carefully than you did last time. When I did that, I forgave you, I let go of what you did to me before. I gave you that chance because I thought you realised that you made a mistake the first time around. I know you couldn't unbreak my heart, but you could've try to repair it. You said you don't think you can be a good enough boyfriend for me, but it didn't seem like you were trying very hard. You said you felt butterflies holding my elbow, why did you dismiss that? Why do you think that you don't love me anymore .. when you could say things like, 'I really wish I could say it (I love you) right now' when we speak? I know you felt it, because I could feel it too, I could feel the love between us.
You said this to me, in the first text message you sent me, 'I hope you don't take this the wrong way, but I realised that the only reason I broke up with you is that I didn't want you to be able to say, 'I did this just for you'. (Usually about drastic matters like moving to australia and all)'. You spent two months thinking about it, I don't think all the excuses you gave me are the actual reasons why. When we were talking, you told me you regretted breaking up with me, that it was a huge mistake. If you were scared, know that I was even more scared than you. You said a lot of things are changing and that you'll be experiencing new things from now on. I know, I will too, but I wished I could've been by your side when you do. I know we would be leading separate and different lives, we'd both experience new things, but we'd meet in the middle to love. I wished I could've supported you through your ups and your downs; I wished I could've experience life with you.
I don't think I asked for a lot, just for you to tell me that you were going to be away. I was content, just having you by my side again, without a status, even though all I really wanted was to be with you again, for things to go back to the way they were. You told me that that was what you wanted too. I wanted to be someone you loved. I really did and still do. I just don't know how. I wished you knew how genuine I feel about you, and how I wished you didn't take me for granted and taken advantage of my niceness because you knew I would be here waiting for you. I wished you were serious about us trying again and I really wished you appreciated my feelings. But mostly, I wished you were afraid of losing me.
Maybe you're not the same person I fell in love with in the past, maybe you're not the same person who loved and cherished me. Maybe the passion from the first few months of our relationship has left, but that's okay. That's how it's meant to be. After a while we get used to each other, we feel safe and comfortable with one another, just like home. And I've said this to you before and I'll say it again, you're like my home. I no longer feel butterflies when I'm around you anymore nor do I feel butterflies when I kiss you and that's okay. Because you're not supposed to feel nervous around your best friend, you're not supposed to obsess over someone you've loved for so long.
http://www.evanmarckatz.com/blog/chemistry/if-the-lust-has-faded-should-i-dump-my-great-boyfriend/
Please, please, please read the article. It also said somewhere along it, 'This is exactly what healthy relationships should be like. You SHOULDN’T be nervous around your best friend. You SHOULDN’T obsess about the man you’ve loved for 3 years. You SHOULDN’T feel butterflies with the person who will be there until you die.'
I don't know why I need you to read this so bad and I'm sorry. I'm sorry for bothering you like this. I just want you to know that it's normal for those feelings to change. I want you to know that you mean the world to me.
I don't know what you meant by it's 'goodbye for now', I don't know if you meant that on friendship terms or that you'll do what you said to me a while back, that is face it when I get to Australia. I don't know which one you meant, but even so, I hope you remember me, and all the good memories we've made together, I hope you remember how you felt when you were with me and I hope you think of me fondly when you do. Because I will, I'll always remember you as my first true love.
Remember our dreams? I would come to Australia and study, you'd stay over at my apartment most of the time. You'd graduate and find a job/go to Mekkah while I finish my last year. After I graduate, we'll both work in Australia and at 26/27 we'll get married. Two years after, we'll have our first kid and in the years to come, the next two, Johann Oliver Nichol, Maya Sophia Nichol and Cameron Iskandar Nichol. Every year we'd take trips together, Disneyland, cruises, Europe, etc. When our kids get older we'd move into a house with a huge backyard. We'd have a pug named Sushi, because that's where we had our first date. And then, we'll grow old together.
Thank you for all the happy times and all the wonderful memories, dreams and inner jokes we've had and made together. I'll always remember how it felt to kiss you the very first time, the way my heart exploded with joy when you asked me to be your girlfriend, I'll remember how it felt when I had to send you off to Australia both times and I will never ever forget all our little firsts. I'll cherish them and keep them close to my heart. I'm truly, truly grateful that I got to meet you and also for the little time we had together and honestly, I am so blessed to have had you in my life and to be able to have felt your love. Thank you for everything. You were only one I let in when I was so guarded against the world. You were the one I looked to when I was sad and happy, I wanted to share all my happiness with you and be safe in the comforts of your heart when I was sad. You were the one I wanted to spend the rest of my life with, to grow old with. When I was with you, I was at my happiest, life was perfect. I hope you know I mean it when I say I love you more than anything in this world.
I guess the reason for this is that I just don't want to face the reality of saying goodbye to you for good. I'm sorry we both had to change and go our separate ways, I'm sorry things couldn't stay the same, I'll try my best to move on. If two people are meant to be together, eventually they'll find their way back. Maybe in the future or in another lifetime, we'll cross paths and fall in love again. Maybe then we'll be able to do it right.
If there's nothing wrong with me, why won't you stay? It hurts so much to know that I'm not good enough for you to stay, for you to change. And you've changed so much, into someone I can barely even recognise. You said you didn't want to be like your brothers but here you are following in their footsteps.
I wish I said it was okay when you talked to me that morning, but I couldn't. I wish I said it was okay so I would still have you right now. But I don't. I don't know how to be someone you'd want in your life, someone you would actually fight for, someone you would be scared to lose. Because you were that to me. To others you were not much but to me you were everything.
You asked me again, why I'm trying so hard. It's because I didn't want to lose you again. And throughout the whole 3 weeks or so that we were dating, I wish I could've held your hand like I used to, I really wished I could've told you I loved you like I used to. Because I do, I don't how to stop loving someone but I really thought I could. The two months that we were apart, I thought I was getting better, slowly letting you go. But you came back and that was a ray of hope to me and I thought, this time I'll do it right. This time we'll make it. But we didn't, we couldn't.
You said you had feelings for me, why isn't that enough? I gave you a second chance but you didn't even try towards the end. I gave you the pieces of my heart that you've broken before and I trusted you to handle it more carefully than you did last time. When I did that, I forgave you, I let go of what you did to me before. I gave you that chance because I thought you realised that you made a mistake the first time around. I know you couldn't unbreak my heart, but you could've try to repair it. You said you don't think you can be a good enough boyfriend for me, but it didn't seem like you were trying very hard. You said you felt butterflies holding my elbow, why did you dismiss that? Why do you think that you don't love me anymore .. when you could say things like, 'I really wish I could say it (I love you) right now' when we speak? I know you felt it, because I could feel it too, I could feel the love between us.
You said this to me, in the first text message you sent me, 'I hope you don't take this the wrong way, but I realised that the only reason I broke up with you is that I didn't want you to be able to say, 'I did this just for you'. (Usually about drastic matters like moving to australia and all)'. You spent two months thinking about it, I don't think all the excuses you gave me are the actual reasons why. When we were talking, you told me you regretted breaking up with me, that it was a huge mistake. If you were scared, know that I was even more scared than you. You said a lot of things are changing and that you'll be experiencing new things from now on. I know, I will too, but I wished I could've been by your side when you do. I know we would be leading separate and different lives, we'd both experience new things, but we'd meet in the middle to love. I wished I could've supported you through your ups and your downs; I wished I could've experience life with you.
I don't think I asked for a lot, just for you to tell me that you were going to be away. I was content, just having you by my side again, without a status, even though all I really wanted was to be with you again, for things to go back to the way they were. You told me that that was what you wanted too. I wanted to be someone you loved. I really did and still do. I just don't know how. I wished you knew how genuine I feel about you, and how I wished you didn't take me for granted and taken advantage of my niceness because you knew I would be here waiting for you. I wished you were serious about us trying again and I really wished you appreciated my feelings. But mostly, I wished you were afraid of losing me.
Maybe you're not the same person I fell in love with in the past, maybe you're not the same person who loved and cherished me. Maybe the passion from the first few months of our relationship has left, but that's okay. That's how it's meant to be. After a while we get used to each other, we feel safe and comfortable with one another, just like home. And I've said this to you before and I'll say it again, you're like my home. I no longer feel butterflies when I'm around you anymore nor do I feel butterflies when I kiss you and that's okay. Because you're not supposed to feel nervous around your best friend, you're not supposed to obsess over someone you've loved for so long.
http://www.evanmarckatz.com/blog/chemistry/if-the-lust-has-faded-should-i-dump-my-great-boyfriend/
Please, please, please read the article. It also said somewhere along it, 'This is exactly what healthy relationships should be like. You SHOULDN’T be nervous around your best friend. You SHOULDN’T obsess about the man you’ve loved for 3 years. You SHOULDN’T feel butterflies with the person who will be there until you die.'
I don't know why I need you to read this so bad and I'm sorry. I'm sorry for bothering you like this. I just want you to know that it's normal for those feelings to change. I want you to know that you mean the world to me.
I don't know what you meant by it's 'goodbye for now', I don't know if you meant that on friendship terms or that you'll do what you said to me a while back, that is face it when I get to Australia. I don't know which one you meant, but even so, I hope you remember me, and all the good memories we've made together, I hope you remember how you felt when you were with me and I hope you think of me fondly when you do. Because I will, I'll always remember you as my first true love.
Remember our dreams? I would come to Australia and study, you'd stay over at my apartment most of the time. You'd graduate and find a job/go to Mekkah while I finish my last year. After I graduate, we'll both work in Australia and at 26/27 we'll get married. Two years after, we'll have our first kid and in the years to come, the next two, Johann Oliver Nichol, Maya Sophia Nichol and Cameron Iskandar Nichol. Every year we'd take trips together, Disneyland, cruises, Europe, etc. When our kids get older we'd move into a house with a huge backyard. We'd have a pug named Sushi, because that's where we had our first date. And then, we'll grow old together.
Thank you for all the happy times and all the wonderful memories, dreams and inner jokes we've had and made together. I'll always remember how it felt to kiss you the very first time, the way my heart exploded with joy when you asked me to be your girlfriend, I'll remember how it felt when I had to send you off to Australia both times and I will never ever forget all our little firsts. I'll cherish them and keep them close to my heart. I'm truly, truly grateful that I got to meet you and also for the little time we had together and honestly, I am so blessed to have had you in my life and to be able to have felt your love. Thank you for everything. You were only one I let in when I was so guarded against the world. You were the one I looked to when I was sad and happy, I wanted to share all my happiness with you and be safe in the comforts of your heart when I was sad. You were the one I wanted to spend the rest of my life with, to grow old with. When I was with you, I was at my happiest, life was perfect. I hope you know I mean it when I say I love you more than anything in this world.
I guess the reason for this is that I just don't want to face the reality of saying goodbye to you for good. I'm sorry we both had to change and go our separate ways, I'm sorry things couldn't stay the same, I'll try my best to move on. If two people are meant to be together, eventually they'll find their way back. Maybe in the future or in another lifetime, we'll cross paths and fall in love again. Maybe then we'll be able to do it right.
Thursday, August 13, 2015
I was sure of you
I guess the only real times someone becomes poetic is when they're falling in love or they're heartbroken and for some reason, this feeling is extremely overwhelming at night.
I don't deny it, I still love him and frankly, I don't know how to stop. How does one stop loving a person you were so set on living the rest of your life with? And yes, maybe it was stupid of me to think so far ahead but I couldn't see a future without him; he was my dream.
People go around saying that you should travel the world first, not get attached so fast and what not but I brushed all of that aside because I knew for a fact that I wanted to do all of that with him by my side. I loved him, more than anything in the world, he was my everything. (8/13/15)
I am back and I don't know how to function very well. Reading @poemporns on Twitter is breaking me and honestly I wasn't planning to write today but I saw this:
I don't deny it, I still love him and frankly, I don't know how to stop. How does one stop loving a person you were so set on living the rest of your life with? And yes, maybe it was stupid of me to think so far ahead but I couldn't see a future without him; he was my dream.
People go around saying that you should travel the world first, not get attached so fast and what not but I brushed all of that aside because I knew for a fact that I wanted to do all of that with him by my side. I loved him, more than anything in the world, he was my everything. (8/13/15)
I am back and I don't know how to function very well. Reading @poemporns on Twitter is breaking me and honestly I wasn't planning to write today but I saw this:
You always complained about how I couldn't decide on what to eat, or whether or not I should buy a top, etc. But I was sure of you, no doubts whatsoever, and reading that was like a stake through my heart. (14/8/15)
Monday, August 10, 2015
2AM thoughts (23/7/15)
It’s 2AM right now and I’m thinking about you. I’m thinking about how much I don’t want to let go of you, how much I don’t want to let these memories fade away. I don’t want to forget you, to forget us, to forget the love we had.
I don’t want to forget the way you’d kiss both my cheeks before you kiss my lips, the way you’d hug me on the way down the escalator, the way you nibble on my cheeks, the way you’d never let me get out of the car and you’d always have to open the door for me. I don’t want to forget our goodnight routine, ‘goodnight, sleep tight don’t let the bed bugs bite, sweet dreams, sleep well, I’ll talk to you tomorrow, I miss you and I love you.’ I don’t want to forget the nicknames we had for each other, bb, sayangku, cintaku, sugar plum, cheeseball, my love, the way we had our first kiss behind the old block, the way I felt when you asked me to be your girlfriend and when you told me that it was the single most nerve-wrecking moment in your life. I don’t want to forget how it felt when I saw you again when you came home after so long. I never ever want to forget how it feels to love you, and to be loved in return.
I’ll miss everything about you, the good and the bad. Your love handles that you hate, but I love, your large hards, your hairy … everywhere (even ears), your pimply face because you never want to wash it, your thick caterpillar eyebrows, your beautiful eyes, and even your stubble that I really want to pluck out. I’ll miss it all.
You made love so easy for me, Azee, I’ll never forget that, the 8 months we spent apart from each other was worth every second and even if we don’t end up together in the future, I hope you know that a small part of me will always love you no matter what, because you will forever remain my first love.
People say this is puppy love but we know otherwise. This was pure, pure love, the truest of its kind. The kind that fills the cracks in your soul and makes you feel whole again; the kind when taken away, takes a huge a chunk of you as well. But this love we had was worth being vulnerable, worth all the pain and suffering, it was worth going through anything. And because I love you, Azee, I have to do what hurts me the most; let you go.
I don’t want to forget the way you’d kiss both my cheeks before you kiss my lips, the way you’d hug me on the way down the escalator, the way you nibble on my cheeks, the way you’d never let me get out of the car and you’d always have to open the door for me. I don’t want to forget our goodnight routine, ‘goodnight, sleep tight don’t let the bed bugs bite, sweet dreams, sleep well, I’ll talk to you tomorrow, I miss you and I love you.’ I don’t want to forget the nicknames we had for each other, bb, sayangku, cintaku, sugar plum, cheeseball, my love, the way we had our first kiss behind the old block, the way I felt when you asked me to be your girlfriend and when you told me that it was the single most nerve-wrecking moment in your life. I don’t want to forget how it felt when I saw you again when you came home after so long. I never ever want to forget how it feels to love you, and to be loved in return.
I’ll miss everything about you, the good and the bad. Your love handles that you hate, but I love, your large hards, your hairy … everywhere (even ears), your pimply face because you never want to wash it, your thick caterpillar eyebrows, your beautiful eyes, and even your stubble that I really want to pluck out. I’ll miss it all.
You made love so easy for me, Azee, I’ll never forget that, the 8 months we spent apart from each other was worth every second and even if we don’t end up together in the future, I hope you know that a small part of me will always love you no matter what, because you will forever remain my first love.
People say this is puppy love but we know otherwise. This was pure, pure love, the truest of its kind. The kind that fills the cracks in your soul and makes you feel whole again; the kind when taken away, takes a huge a chunk of you as well. But this love we had was worth being vulnerable, worth all the pain and suffering, it was worth going through anything. And because I love you, Azee, I have to do what hurts me the most; let you go.
Let's go to: (7/1/15)
1) The zoo (I’ve been dying to see the pandas)
2) Petrosains
3) The science center
4) My house so I can kick your butt at FIFA
2) Petrosains
3) The science center
4) My house so I can kick your butt at FIFA
NYE (7/1/15)
Has it already been a week since we spent New Year’s Eve together? A week since we had calamari, tacos and bubble tea as our last meal? A week since you came to pick me and I got to call shotgun the whole time? A week since we had our New Year’s kiss? And especially a week since we had an unintended group makeout session? (HEH HEH HEH)
I miss you terribly.
I miss you terribly.
To the boy I love the most: (6/1/15)
I can’t wait for these one and a half years to pass so I’ll be in Sydney with you. We’ll attend the same university, you’ll be my senior and I’ll reluctantly call you senpai. Weekends will be spent together: be it at cafes, sightseeing (ahem THE ZOO ahem) or even getting piss drunk at bars; we’ll just tumble into bed and fall asleep in each other’s embrace.
Sure, universities in the UK will probably offer me more, I’ll even be able to travel around Europe during the holidays; but I can’t enjoy any of that without you, I can’t possibly be happy when I’m so far away from you. I want you to know you mean the world to me, and even at my darkest hour, you stood by me, never giving up on us. I hope that one day I’ll be able to do that for you.
In turn, let’s travel Australia, take it city by city and maybe even visit New Zealand together hand in hand. (BAAAAA) Everyday is an adventure when I’m with you.
You have given me so much happiness these few months and I could not be luckier. Good luck for your exams, and even if you don’t believe in your abilities, I do. I believe in you and I’m very certain that’ll you do great things in this life. I hope I can be your pillar of strength at times like this and I hope you know I support everything you do.
I love you, Azrhy, and I love you more each day. I’m sorry to say you’re kinda stuck with me .. forever.
Sure, universities in the UK will probably offer me more, I’ll even be able to travel around Europe during the holidays; but I can’t enjoy any of that without you, I can’t possibly be happy when I’m so far away from you. I want you to know you mean the world to me, and even at my darkest hour, you stood by me, never giving up on us. I hope that one day I’ll be able to do that for you.
In turn, let’s travel Australia, take it city by city and maybe even visit New Zealand together hand in hand. (BAAAAA) Everyday is an adventure when I’m with you.
You have given me so much happiness these few months and I could not be luckier. Good luck for your exams, and even if you don’t believe in your abilities, I do. I believe in you and I’m very certain that’ll you do great things in this life. I hope I can be your pillar of strength at times like this and I hope you know I support everything you do.
I love you, Azrhy, and I love you more each day. I’m sorry to say you’re kinda stuck with me .. forever.
Luck (12/10/14)
I don’t know how much luckier I can get. I love him so much and it’s crazy how he loves me too. He adores me despite how incredibly psychotically bitchy I can be (am), how my requests are over the roof at times, how I can so selfish and so much more.
My dear cheeseball, sayangku, I can’t think of something I love more than you. I hope that in a few years time, when we’re happily married (and thoroughly satisfied, hehe), I’ll see this and realise how perfect we are for each other. I love you.
My dear cheeseball, sayangku, I can’t think of something I love more than you. I hope that in a few years time, when we’re happily married (and thoroughly satisfied, hehe), I’ll see this and realise how perfect we are for each other. I love you.
Gentle reminder (27/9/14)
This is a gentle reminder for myself for when times get tough.
- he walked from his house to yours just to see you at 3AM in the morning
- he cycled from his house in the scorching heat just to spend time with you
- he came over to your house at night with fruits and made you soup when you were sick
- he wrote poems for you
- he brought you to play mini putt
- he let you bring him to purikura, despite how embarrassing it was
- he brought you to the aquarium, like how much you wanted him to
- he calls you beautiful all the time, even when you don’t feel like it
- he literally caters to your every whim and desire
So whatever it is you’re feeling now, future self, he loves you. I’m pretty sure he does.
- he walked from his house to yours just to see you at 3AM in the morning
- he cycled from his house in the scorching heat just to spend time with you
- he came over to your house at night with fruits and made you soup when you were sick
- he wrote poems for you
- he brought you to play mini putt
- he let you bring him to purikura, despite how embarrassing it was
- he brought you to the aquarium, like how much you wanted him to
- he calls you beautiful all the time, even when you don’t feel like it
- he literally caters to your every whim and desire
So whatever it is you’re feeling now, future self, he loves you. I’m pretty sure he does.
Wedding Dinners (8/8/14)
If marrying you meant not having the wedding dinner I've always dreamt of, I would.
If marrying you meant leaving my country for an entirely new one, I would.
If marrying you meant giving up on all the beliefs I have been brought up with, I would.
I sound foolish at the age of 17, fresh out of high school, talking about marry my first love; but y'know what? It really feels like 'forever' now. You're like the Chuck Bass to my Blair Waldorf and if that's what it takes to wake up every morning next to you, I'd do it, and I hope you know I'd do it in a heartbeat.
I love you.
If marrying you meant leaving my country for an entirely new one, I would.
If marrying you meant giving up on all the beliefs I have been brought up with, I would.
I sound foolish at the age of 17, fresh out of high school, talking about marry my first love; but y'know what? It really feels like 'forever' now. You're like the Chuck Bass to my Blair Waldorf and if that's what it takes to wake up every morning next to you, I'd do it, and I hope you know I'd do it in a heartbeat.
I love you.
Tonight (6/8/14)
Tonight I looked at you from behind your car seat, your side view residing comfortably in my line of sight as the night light shone. Your hand grasping mine, occasionally squeezing it from time to time, spelling 'I ♥ Us' on the back of my hand; I wish it could stay like that forever.
I stared at you for most part of the car ride and for some reason I got teary-eyed; knowing that moments like this don't last even though I wish they could, realising how much I love you, how I don't know how I am going to survive school without you and most importantly the 3 months when you're 6616 kilometres away from me.
Here I am tonight, hoping that one day you'll see this and know how much I love you, how much I appreciate your hugs and kisses, your little nibbles on my cheeks and your being here every single day, be it virtually or in person. I love you, I love you, I love you, what more can I say?
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