You left again. And it hurts, nothing has hurt as much as you leaving me. I keep crying like there's no tomorrow and I constantly gasp for air as if I'm drowning. I feel as though I've just died on the inside, and now I'm just an empty shell.
If there's nothing wrong with me, why won't you stay? It hurts so much to know that I'm not good enough for you to stay, for you to change. And you've changed so much, into someone I can barely even recognise. You said you didn't want to be like your brothers but here you are following in their footsteps.
I wish I said it was okay when you talked to me that morning, but I couldn't. I wish I said it was okay so I would still have you right now. But I don't. I don't know how to be someone you'd want in your life, someone you would actually fight for, someone you would be scared to lose. Because you were that to me. To others you were not much but to me you were everything.
You asked me again, why I'm trying so hard. It's because I didn't want to lose you again. And throughout the whole 3 weeks or so that we were dating, I wish I could've held your hand like I used to, I really wished I could've told you I loved you like I used to. Because I do, I don't how to stop loving someone but I really thought I could. The two months that we were apart, I thought I was getting better, slowly letting you go. But you came back and that was a ray of hope to me and I thought, this time I'll do it right. This time we'll make it. But we didn't, we couldn't.
You said you had feelings for me, why isn't that enough? I gave you a second chance but you didn't even try towards the end. I gave you the pieces of my heart that you've broken before and I trusted you to handle it more carefully than you did last time. When I did that, I forgave you, I let go of what you did to me before. I gave you that chance because I thought you realised that you made a mistake the first time around. I know you couldn't unbreak my heart, but you could've try to repair it. You said you don't think you can be a good enough boyfriend for me, but it didn't seem like you were trying very hard. You said you felt butterflies holding my elbow, why did you dismiss that? Why do you think that you don't love me anymore .. when you could say things like, 'I really wish I could say it (I love you) right now' when we speak? I know you felt it, because I could feel it too, I could feel the love between us.
You said this to me, in the first text message you sent me, 'I hope you don't take this the wrong way, but I realised that the only reason I broke up with you is that I didn't want you to be able to say, 'I did this just for you'. (Usually about drastic matters like moving to australia and all)'. You spent two months thinking about it, I don't think all the excuses you gave me are the actual reasons why. When we were talking, you told me you regretted breaking up with me, that it was a huge mistake. If you were scared, know that I was even more scared than you. You said a lot of things are changing and that you'll be experiencing new things from now on. I know, I will too, but I wished I could've been by your side when you do. I know we would be leading separate and different lives, we'd both experience new things, but we'd meet in the middle to love. I wished I could've supported you through your ups and your downs; I wished I could've experience life with you.
I don't think I asked for a lot, just for you to tell me that you were going to be away. I was content, just having you by my side again, without a status, even though all I really wanted was to be with you again, for things to go back to the way they were. You told me that that was what you wanted too. I wanted to be someone you loved. I really did and still do. I just don't know how. I wished you knew how genuine I feel about you, and how I wished you didn't take me for granted and taken advantage of my niceness because you knew I would be here waiting for you. I wished you were serious about us trying again and I really wished you appreciated my feelings. But mostly, I wished you were afraid of losing me.
Maybe you're not the same person I fell in love with in the past, maybe you're not the same person who loved and cherished me. Maybe the passion from the first few months of our relationship has left, but that's okay. That's how it's meant to be. After a while we get used to each other, we feel safe and comfortable with one another, just like home. And I've said this to you before and I'll say it again, you're like my home. I no longer feel butterflies when I'm around you anymore nor do I feel butterflies when I kiss you and that's okay. Because you're not supposed to feel nervous around your best friend, you're not supposed to obsess over someone you've loved for so long.
http://www.evanmarckatz.com/blog/chemistry/if-the-lust-has-faded-should-i-dump-my-great-boyfriend/
Please, please, please read the article. It also said somewhere along it, 'This is exactly what healthy relationships should be like. You SHOULDN’T be nervous around your best friend. You SHOULDN’T obsess about the man you’ve loved for 3 years. You SHOULDN’T feel butterflies with the person who will be there until you die.'
I don't know why I need you to read this so bad and I'm sorry. I'm sorry for bothering you like this. I just want you to know that it's normal for those feelings to change. I want you to know that you mean the world to me.
I don't know what you meant by it's 'goodbye for now', I don't know if you meant that on friendship terms or that you'll do what you said to me a while back, that is face it when I get to Australia. I don't know which one you meant, but even so, I hope you remember me, and all the good memories we've made together, I hope you remember how you felt when you were with me and I hope you think of me fondly when you do. Because I will, I'll always remember you as my first true love.
Remember our dreams? I would come to Australia and study, you'd stay over at my apartment most of the time. You'd graduate and find a job/go to Mekkah while I finish my last year. After I graduate, we'll both work in Australia and at 26/27 we'll get married. Two years after, we'll have our first kid and in the years to come, the next two, Johann Oliver Nichol, Maya Sophia Nichol and Cameron Iskandar Nichol. Every year we'd take trips together, Disneyland, cruises, Europe, etc. When our kids get older we'd move into a house with a huge backyard. We'd have a pug named Sushi, because that's where we had our first date. And then, we'll grow old together.
Thank you for all the happy times and all the wonderful memories, dreams and inner jokes we've had and made together. I'll always remember how it felt to kiss you the very first time, the way my heart exploded with joy when you asked me to be your girlfriend, I'll remember how it felt when I had to send you off to Australia both times and I will never ever forget all our little firsts. I'll cherish them and keep them close to my heart. I'm truly, truly grateful that I got to meet you and also for the little time we had together and honestly, I am so blessed to have had you in my life and to be able to have felt your love. Thank you for everything. You were only one I let in when I was so guarded against the world. You were the one I looked to when I was sad and happy, I wanted to share all my happiness with you and be safe in the comforts of your heart when I was sad. You were the one I wanted to spend the rest of my life with, to grow old with. When I was with you, I was at my happiest, life was perfect. I hope you know I mean it when I say I love you more than anything in this world.
I guess the reason for this is that I just don't want to face the reality of saying goodbye to you for good. I'm sorry we both had to change and go our separate ways, I'm sorry things couldn't stay the same, I'll try my best to move on. If two people are meant to be together, eventually they'll find their way back. Maybe in the future or in another lifetime, we'll cross paths and fall in love again. Maybe then we'll be able to do it right.
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