Tired. Missing us. Thinking about hugs, cuddles and I love yous. 

This sucks. 

I want.

I want to forget about you. I want to forget about us, all that we used to be. I want to forget we even happened. 

I want a life where you no longer cross my mind. I want a life where thinking about you doesn't hurt. I want a life where I don't have to feel so goddamn insecure and awful about myself all the time because of the mistakes you made. I want a life where I'm not afraid of trusting people and believing that they mean what they say because of all the wounds you've inflicted on me. 

 

It's no wonder I wish we never happened, because if it meant not feeling like this, I'd forget it all. 

It's catching up.

Tonight has been the hardest night since school started. Two weeks of just suppressing all this pain has finally taken its toll and is catching up to me. 

Looking back, it's hard to believe in anything we used to be. Everything we were seems like just one big awful lie to me, one that I so foolishly believed in. The so called 'happiness' I felt when I was with you will never be able to compare to the pain you've caused me and of which I'm still hurting from. What's worse is that majority of it was deliberate. How will I ever believe that you even for a second loved me when you could hurt me like this with no remorse at all. Never would I have done this to you, I would never hurt someone I love. Really, I am at a loss for words right now because I can't even seem to properly articulate my sadness anymore. 

What I need now is for someone to hug me for a really, really long time. I've had enough of crying and feeling awful, goodnight. 

4:47AM

Nights like this, everything seems so distant in the past that sometimes I don't even remember us anymore. But there isn't a day where I don't think of you, where you don't cross my mind.

Some days are better than others, but some days I find it unbearable to drag myself out of bed. It's been getting easier though, a lot easier than the previous times. Somehow it feels like a huge weight has been lifted off my shoulders with you gone.

It doesn't mean I don't miss you though, I miss you a whole lot. But not the current you, the old you, the one that used to love me. The current you is someone I no longer want to associate myself with nor would I want anything to do with for the time being and possibly the near future as well.

Frankly I don't know if I even love you anymore. Maybe I do, just not as much and as intense as I did before. I no longer want to be your girlfriend, you've hurt me too much for me to ever go back to you. With you, I'd just be a pile of insecurities that you continuously fed and if I have to be very honest, I don't want to love you anymore. I want it to stop. You don't deserve it at all.

And you know what? I don't deserve to feel this way. I don't deserve to pour my entire heart out to someone for that person to just take it for granted and trample all over it. I deserve someone who's good to me, someone who'd never make me feel like I wasn't good enough.

It's no use trying to relight a flame that has burned out so many times, one that you careless extinguished because you 'panicked'. I tried really hard to make things work with you but you're not worth it anymore. I'm better off finding someone new.

And you're right, by the way. The methods you employ, they really do make me hate and resent you. If anything, these negative emotions overpower any positive feelings I have towards you greatly.